?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Betrayed

Jul. 9th, 2010 | 04:52 pm
mood: angryangry

Two days ago, my best friend betrayed me and, with a swift wave of a hand, ended our 18-year friendship. So easily, without remorse, and with so much petty resentment, she was like a completely different person. It's hard to imagine that we were ever friends in the first place.

I've reviewed our actions and our words over and over again. From any view, it's fucked and undeserving on my end.

She called me inconsiderate, selfish, and ungrateful. I played my life with her in my head as far back as I can remember. Middle school, high school, college, adulthood...

She doesn't know what my favorite flower is or my dad's first name. In my greatest moments in the dark, I rarely went to her. But, as her college boyfriend threatened to hurt her, I stayed on the phone until I knew she'd be okay, ready to make the hour and a half drive to her if things got clusterfucked.

She claimed that I put a price on our friendship, but has apparently resented me for several years for borrowing money from her. Clearly, standing directly in her resentment storm, I could see that, she in fact has been holding a price tag over my head. $450 to be exact. Our friendship was worth $450.

She was the one person I never talked shit about behind her back. I don't know if I can say the same about her. Not now. Not after what she said and what she did.

Mourning the death of this, I have to wonder - why did I ever call her my friend?

Link | Leave a comment | Share

Summer endings

Aug. 13th, 2009 | 08:30 pm
location: Burlingame
mood: angryangry
music: Rain, Armin van Buuren

So, like any good, constantly dieting girl, I promised myself that I would lose all the winter fat by the end of the summer. What did I do instead? Barely exercise and gorge on Mexican food all summer. Two weeks until school starts and I'm reeling from the un-flatness of my tummy. Yuck. Two weeks to do an entire summers worth of healthying myself. So far today have eaten cereal for breakfast/lunch, sushi for dinner, and two cupcakes from Kara's to round out my unhealthy day. Tomorrow is a new day, right? Okay, it's just so gonna have to be!

Link | Leave a comment | Share

Lunchtime observations

Jun. 18th, 2009 | 01:24 pm
location: San Francisco
mood: determined
music: Sweet misery, Tiesto

Sitting on the steps of a bank during lunch, which I'll later find out is called Bentley Reserve, I never feel more broke than at that very moment - 1:02pm to be exact. Loads of people and cars going by me. Jaguar, Mercedes, Gucci, Ferragamo, and OMG, is that a Lotus?! Girls with really pretty (and expensive) purses putting my old, discounted Banana Republic bag being held together with a safety pin at the strap to shame. One particularly tan girl with perfectly streaked, blond highlights wears the silver and black strappy Jimmy Choos I tried on at Bloomingdales last Tuesday. (I'm a masochist for always teasing myself by trying on things that I'll never be able to afford.) It's a veritable money jungle I'm sitting in and I feel like a total pauper in my Target brand sunglasses and $9 leggings. And I know all these things are superficial and it's ridiculous of me to place value on any of this but...I don't know how else to feel.
Tags: ,

Link | Leave a comment {1} | Share

Breathe deep

Jun. 17th, 2009 | 04:04 pm
location: San Francisco
mood: tiredtired
music: When it was good, Flipsyde

Yesterday was my first day interning at YogaJournal and overall it was fine.

The only looming yuckiness that I felt came at the end of the day when I sent my editor a couple of "tweets" for the Twitter page. Very polite, thanked me for coming in for the day, but nothing about my writing. Nothing. Big fat smile that I couldn't read and nothing. I thought maybe she forgot or didn't look at the email so I check my inbox to see if she had opened it. Read at 5:15pm. Okay, she read it, okay. Check the Twitter page. Nothing. Not one of my "tweets." Not one of my article suggestions were used. Suddenly I'm back a few years feeling impotent and weird. Am I not just not on the same page? Or worst of all, (gasp) am I not a good writer?

My overly obsessive personality gave way to constant self-improvement after that point. Read about all kinds of yoga. Check. Do a website analysis of the .com. Check. Read three entire printed issues cover to cover. Check. Go through client blogs and profiles to learn the latest yoga lingo. Check. Research associated organizations and conference holders. Check. Check. Check.

Tired and light-headed I looked at the clock before hitting my pillow. 3:30am. I am totally insane. My need for validation from others is much stronger than I thought. Tomorrow, for sure, I am going to stop trying to work to please others and actually get some sleep =P

Link | Leave a comment | Share

Restless

Jun. 12th, 2009 | 10:36 am
location: San Francisco
mood: anxiousanxious
music: Womanizer, Britney Spears

It's funny how one minute you're totally content with your life, then the next, just completely restless. I need to get out. More later.

Link | Leave a comment | Share

Fog and the cold city

Jun. 8th, 2009 | 11:44 am
location: San Francisco
mood: energeticenergetic
music: Beautiful, Akon

Finally back at a job where I can sit a computer all day I'm actually having time to just sit an blog.



So first, a rant:

Jared and I just moved to a new place 2 months ago. Much bigger, more windows, and feeling more like our own. It has been officially three years since we started living together, nine years since the beginning of our relationship. Marriage is always the first question people always ask us now. "Living in sin" always the first judgment we get from family and family-related people. Didn't I move from Virginia Beach to get away from this small-mindedness? It's strange how the older I get the more people want to tell me how to live my life. In college, I was told I had all these opportunities. Be whoever you want to be! Knock down stereotypes! Change the world! But now, what...I'm expected to be married, to have a settled career, and to want to have children. Yes, children. Plural. Good God, stereotypes galore.

I just don't understand this. All the past several years of adulthood have shown me is that marriages dissolve, love withers away, and children get caught in the middle. Why would I want to change my perfectly wonderful life with Jared and ruin it with marriage and kids. I mean, at least for the time being. Some people say that we've been together for a long time and that we should settle down already. I feel like it's still only the beginning. If we're looking at forever, nine years is just barely scratching the surface. I don't want to resent him one day because we weren't allowed to live our own lives when we had the strength, the desire, and the youth to do so.

In the back of my mind I wonder if I've just been scarred from seeing so many of my friends get divorced. Why are we all so rushed into marriage when we obviously don't know what we're doing?

NOTE: To all my successfully married friends, I'm not trying to bash. It's still a beautiful thing and I love you all for going through with it. Those of you who really know me know where I'm coming from. Where we're coming from.



Updates:

Landed an internship in the city with YogaJournal.com. Yay for free yoga sessions for the entire summer!

Working as support technical writer for the online learning department at SF State.

Moved back down the peninsula last month from the city.

Trying really hard to stick to a balanced diet (six mini-meals a day, walking everywhere, limited alcohol intake, and actually making use of my gym membership)

Car broke down twice and after both times of trying to fix it, seemed to just want to die again. my poor little "97 civic.

Seeing the Master's degree tunnel end shining a little brighter, but seriously considering a PhD program. I'm a masochist for staying in school for this long.

Broker than ever before. Happier than ever before.



Mom is trying to overcome some personal hurdles dating back to before I was even born. I'm so proud of her for never giving up. After so many years, she still thrives in the challenge where most people would have been content staying where they were. And...dad is three weeks deep in his quest to quit smoking. He's getting chubby and cranky, but at least his lungs are starting to heal. It's one of the biggest steps he's taken in quite a long while. Love him for it...even if he does yell at me when we talk on the phone.



I've missed being here. I forgot how therapeutic it is to write freely. Be back another day. Hopefully my old friends (and some new ones) here will find me.
Tags:

Link | Leave a comment {1} | Share

We want an education...

Mar. 12th, 2009 | 12:37 pm
location: at work
mood: awake
music: heartless {kanye west}

A protest containing over 100 students marches in front of my office window. "We want an education!...." And seriously, fuck the state budget. Fuck the conservative assholes who go us here. I want an education! On with the protest!

I love living in San Francisco :D

Link | Leave a comment | Share

Repost -- 1997

Mar. 11th, 2009 | 01:12 am
location: in my room
mood: awake
music: glycerine {bush}

Not sure why I locked this entry, but here it is in all it's glory...my pathetic attempt at being a writer again. :D

Aug. 12th, 2008 | 05:49 pm
My long lost love, my very first boyfriend, yesterday...

added me on MySpace.  

For the sake of this public journal we'll just call him J...because I have no imagination, don't know what else to call him, and am too lazy to go against the grain of this writer's format of calling people by their first initials.  So anyway, J was my obligatory first "everything" (well, not kiss, but everything else). We started dating the summer before 10th grade, so that's like what, almost 12 years ago? 

(Sidenote: I cannot, CANNOT believe I'm going to be 27 this year.)

We tried to maintain a connection of sorts thinking that there was this "special bond" that only WE had and that we might possibly be soul mates and find our path crossing again...or some crap like that. In reality, the keeping in touch only lasted for about 2 or 3 years after we broke up and then I moved on to college. Eventually, one day, the only contact I had with him was enduring a series of accidental drunken bumping into's at whatever asianish club was poppin at the time. 

After I moved to California, started my semi-adult life, shacked up with Jared....I never heard from him again 

So the strangest thing to me, believing myself to be an almost grown-up, is that after I received the add request on MySpace (how juvenile is this sounding? bad? really bad?) I just kept going back to his profile. Looking at it over and over again. Searching for what, though, I still don't get. Like ordering that last drink even though you just had a drink that made you kinda gag...you know its futile. Not because I was attracted to him still, not because there was something rekindled from the past, but because I don't know, I was just so overwhelmingly curious. 

Like wondering what he's like now.

Link | Leave a comment | Share

long time no type in you, old friend

Apr. 3rd, 2008 | 11:41 pm
location: in my room
mood: awake
music: empty streets by late night alumni

it's been like, what, 2 years since I REALLY wrote here.  going through different stages...work, school, life, moving, moving, moving.  i moved closer to the city, but not actually in the city...which was a good compromise since i hate city noises.  i'm just not a fine-with-listenin-to-every-language-spoken-under-the-sun-over-mariachi/mexi-music kinda girl.  but i most definitely couldn't live where i first stayed when i moved out west...i'm sorry, but tech yuppies just aren't my scene either.

jared and i have kinda settled in with living together.  we're both in stay-at-home mode so often it's given some time to really appreciate the house.  and its finally given me writing mode back =)

i do a crapload of writing now, for a living....at a non-profit.  it's just a little strange, because, its like, when did i become responsible?  gone are the days of blowing my money on clothes and alcohol.  and i'm in grad school...which is something that, i don't know, i'm still not fully realizing.  

since really establishing myself here in sf, i've lost some of my friends.  not so sure who i've mentioned in the past (or if i even mentioned in this journal)...but in the last year, my small town buddies from yore have dwindled down to just one...lynn, my best friend of 17 years.  celeste and i had the most ridiculous falling out about a year ago.  i just got tired of her flakiness.  so, no patience + her flakehood = gettin in some real tense shit with her.  mind you, this was all through email, because, what would a flake be if she actually talked to me in person.  now not talking to her has left me not talking to her husband (whose wedding, by the way, i was a bridesmaid in).  lovely how friendships can be NOT friendships over email.  technology seriously is a wonderful thing.

michael and i have drifted too.  i mean, i understand, he's in med school and has, like, doctoring crap to do, but whatever.  phone calls don't take very fuckin long is all i'm sayin.  it's just been something like a 2 year phone tag with him.  god, to think right before i moved, a lot of weekends, it was just me and him...talking about life and experiencing life.  i would be completely lying to say i didn't miss him...miss that...but time, distance, and new york has really disjointed us. 

anyway, i could go on, i guess, but i'll end it here.  hopefully i'll run into my old lj buddies again.  to be continued...probably tomorrow =)

Link | Leave a comment {3} | Share

Found on a crumpled piece of paper...

Aug. 24th, 2006 | 08:00 pm

today. this morning. this afternoon really.
he's sleeping in your bed and you love him for it.

you love him for the night before when he told you that you were worth so much more.
you love him for collecting all the tears you've cried in the last 5 years in 1 single night.
you love him.

you remember this moment.

you may not have many of these.
or you may.

but in your darkest hours you remember the peace of this moment.
you love him so much.
and that couldnt make you happier.

Link | Leave a comment | Share